This is Act 1 of a radio play I wrote in April 2007 for the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition.
List of Characters:
Mr Chatterjee, a
Bengali Indian, recently husband
Mrs Chatterjee,
another Bengali Indian, recently wife
Yves, a French
tourist, interested in the mysteries of Tantric sex
Maya, a young American
seeker, with the stars of enlightenment in her eyes
Tenzin Norbu-la, an
elderly Buddhist monk
Swami Drown-ananda,
a venerable Indian yogi in the nude
Scene: The action is set
high in the Himalayas, on the last piece of
land left before water from the melting poles has swallowed up the whole of the
earth.
Act I
OPEN WITH GENTLE
SOUNDS OF WATER AS IF OF WAVES LAPPING. THE SUBTLE SOUND OF WATER REMAINS IN
THE BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT THE PLAY, ITS GENTLENESS TAKING ON A DIFFERENT
QUALITY AS WE FULLY COMPREHEND THE SITUATION.
MR AND MRS
CHATTERJEE ARE A NEWLY-MARRIED COUPLE ON THEIR HONEYMOON. THEY SPEAK IN AN
ODDLY FORMAL WAY WITH EACH OTHER.
ALL CHARACTERS IN
THE PLAY, EXCEPT MRS CHATTERJEE, HAVE EXAGGERATED ACCENTS, WHICH ARE PIQUANT
WITHOUT BEING INCOMPREHENSIBLE. MRS CHATTERJEE SPEAKS IN A MORE SOPHISTICATED
TONE.
MR CHATTERJEE
(in a heavy Bengali Indian accent)
Listen – are you
listening?
MRS CHATTERJEE MOANS
AND MUMBLES IN HER SLEEP.
MR CHATTERJEE
Listen, listen!
MRS CHATTERJEE
What, listen! Listen
to what?
MR CHATTERJEE
Can’t you hear it? Water!
MRS CHATTERJEE
(still half-asleep)
I told you we should
have gone to the sea for our honeymoon.
MR CHATTERJEE
(irritated)
But we did not come
to the sea for our honeymoon, Mrs Chatterjee! We came to the mountain! To show
you my love and affection for you, Mrs Chatterjee. Highest tourist point in the
Himalayas!
SOUND OF MRS
CHATTERJEE JERKING AWAKE AND SITTING UP IN HER BED.
MRS CHATTERJEE
(fully awake)
Then what is the
sound of the sea doing here?
MR CHATTERJEE
Exactly! It is precisely
what I was trying to tell you, Mrs Chatterjee. But you are not listening. Only
a week our marriage is old, and already you are not listening to me! I will
find out the Marxist theory of marriage to see what it says about it.
MRS CHATTERJEE
(dryly)
It has nothing to do
with division of labour, I suppose. More like base and superstructure.
MR CHATTERJEE
You will not make
fun of Ideology when the Red Tide is sweeping the earth, Mrs Chatterjee!
SOUND OF WATER
INTENSIFIES AT THIS.
MRS CHATTERJEE
What tide is this
high up in the mountains? Is your red tide sweeping the earth already?
MR CHATTERJEE
I am bringing you to
the highest point in the Himalayas to make a
point, Mrs Chatterjee.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Trust you to use our
honeymoon to make points, Mr Chatterjee. Did you marry me to make points, make
a home, make babies, or perhaps all three?
MR CHATTERJEE
(proudly)
I married you
because my mother asked me to marry you! She personally selected you from a
wide list of candidates!
MRS CHATTERJEE
I’m glad to hear it.
Sounds like I cleared a critical job interview.
MR CHATTERJEE
Not to make fun of
my mother, Mrs Chatterjee.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Must you keep
calling me Chatterjee? I was quite happy as a Bannerjee.
MR CHATTERJEE
We are now man and
wife, Mrs Chat…
MRS CHATTERJEE
(interrupting)
But what is this sound
of water…
SHE, IN HER TURN, IS
INTERRUPTED BY LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.
MR CHATTERJEE
(scared)
Who can that be?
MRS CHATTERJEE
You have to open to
see, I think.
BANGING ON THE DOOR IS
REPEATED.
MAYA
(in a heavy American accent)
Hi. Is anybody
there! Wake up! We’re drowning! Wake up!
MR CHATTERJEE
(relieved)
It’s a woman.
MRS CHATTERJEE
(puzzled)
How can we be in a
hotel high up in the highest mountains in the world, and be drowning? It
doesn’t make sense.
THE BANGING IS REPEATED.
MAYA
Hello! Wake up,
please! Anybody there?
MR CHATTERJEE
We are not here! I
mean, we are not drowning.
MAYA
Well, you will soon!
Look out of the window at what’s happening. You better come out soon. I’m
checking all the rooms on this floor to see who else is there. The floors below
are gone!
STEPS WALKING AWAY.
SOUND OF A CURTAIN
BEING OPENED IN THE ROOM, FOLLOWED BY LOUD GASPS.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Water!
MR CHATTERJEE
Water, water! …
Everywhere!
MRS CHATTERJEE
Look, I’m feeling a
little light-headed here. Remind me: Did we come to the sea after all for our
honeymoon?
MR CHATTERJEE
No, no. What you are
saying? I insisted particularly that we come to mountain. But how there is
water here? This is not the hotel’s swimming pool, no?
MRS CHATTERJEE
(scornfully)
All
that water looks to you like the hotel’s swimming pool? You don’t even know how
to swim, do you?
MR CHATTERJEE
How dare you to
insult me, Mrs Chatterjee? What matters if I don’t know how to swim? I know how
to read Marx, no? It is a very difficult labour.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Then, you go read
him. I’m going out to see what’s happening.
FLURRY OF SHEETS
BEING REMOVED AND SOUND OF CLOTHES BEING CHANGED.
MR CHATTERJEE
(sheepishly lascivious)
You have a fine
figure, Mrs Chatterjee.
MRS CHATTERJEE
(amazed)
Water, water! Look
at the water! What are you doing looking at my figure?
MR CHATTERJEE
(pathetically)
Seven days of marriage
without any… any… enjoying, Mrs Chatterjee. Why you torment me like this? I am thinking
that honeymoon meaning enjoying, Mrs Chatterjee! But you are not letting me do
enjoyment. I am burning with your love, Mrs Chatterjee. So please not to
mention water.
SOUND OF BANGING ON
THE DOOR.
DROWNANANDA
Help! Help! We are
drowning!
MRS CHATTERJEE
Who is that?
DROWNANANDA
I’m Swami
Drownananda. The most celebrated swami of the East.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Then what are you
doing drowning? You should be saving us, no, if you’re so great?
DROWNANANDA
Only my name is Drown-ananda.
Which means my purpose in life is to drown in bliss, not in water! Please help!
I don’t know swimming!
MR CHATTERJEE
You are to joining
my club, sir! Welcome.
DROWNANANDA
Don’t welcome me! Do
something!
SOUND OF ANOTHER
PAIR OF STEPS HURRIEDLY COMING UP.
YVES
(in a heavy French accent)
You have not
finished your lesson with me, Swami ji. I have come all this way to seek
knowledge at your divine feet. Please teach me about Tantra and yoga.
DROWNANANDA
Do you know how to
swim?
YVES
Yes, of course I
know to swim, but why you talk about swimming when I talk about Tantra? Do you
know the practice of swimming Tantra? Is it good? Look, I pay you double if you
teach me more about Tantra and sexuality.
DROWNANANDA
What’s your name,
Frenchman?
YVES
I am Yves.
DROWNANANDA
Look, you may be
Adam or you may be Eve, but if you save me from this, I’ll pay you triple, plus
your money back.
YVES
I do not comprehend.
Save you from what, Swami ji?
MRS CHATTERJEE NOW
OPENS THE DOOR OUTSIDE WHICH THIS CONVERSATION HAS BEEN HAPPENING.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Mister Eve obviously
does not realise what is happening. Come into the room and I’ll show you.
YVES
(excited)
Oh Swami ji! You have a subject for me to experiment? But
it is delightful! Delightful! I am ravished with your arrangements. Enchante,
mademoiselle.
MR CHATTERJEE
(agitated)
Why that man is
kissing your hand, Mrs Chatterjee?
MRS CHATTERJEE
I think he wants to
practice underwater Tantra.
DROWNANANDA
This is no time for
jokes. This room looks safe. I’ll camp myself here.
YVES
Yes. Camping is a
good idea. You think meditation will help us with the evil spirits, Swami ji?
DROWNANANDA
(losing his cool)
Evil spirits? Have
you seen the water, you Adam!
MRS CHATTERJEE
Look. Here.
A MOMENT OF SILENCE.
YVES
(under his breath, awe-struck)
Water!
THE OTHER THREE ALL
SPEAK TOGETHER.
MR CHATTERJEE, MRS
CHATTERJEE, DROWNANANDA
Yes, water!
YVES
(puzzled)
But what is the
water doing here? This is the Himalayas, no?
GROANS OF
EXASPERATION.
YVES
If I wanted to have
a bath in the sea, I would have gone on the Cote d’Azur. Why I would come to the
mountain to look at the sea? It has no sense, no?
DROWNANANDA
Why didn’t you go somewhere else and spare
us the headache?
YVES
(continuing with his French indignation)
(continuing with his French indignation)
The tourist brochure
clearly specified that this is the Himalayas. Am
I in the right place? Am I being cheated? It is said that India is
unpredictable. But I seriously do not expect to find the ocean on the mountain,
no? I mean, it is a bit too much, no?
MR CHATTERJEE
The world is turning
upside down. This is exactly what Marx said!
YVES
You are Indian, yes?
Maybe you can explain this?
MR CHATTERJEE
How dare you label me
a nationalist? I stand for equal distribution of resources around the world!
MRS CHATTERJEE
I’m glad we’re all
part of this great intellectual debate at this time. But what do we do about
the water?
THE RECORDED SOUNDS
OF THE BUDDHIST CHANTS OF “OM MANI PADME OM” SUDDENLY WAFT INTO THE AIR. THEY DRAW CLOSER, AS A
PAIR OF STEPS APPROACH. THE VOLUME LEVELS OF THE CHANTS ARE REDUCED AS NORBU-LA
SPEAKS.
NORBU-LA
(in the typical clipped Buddhist accent)
Excuse me. Yes,
people are here, as you said, dear Maya. We must find comfort in numbers. This
is the power of the Sangha.
MAYA
Yeah, this is where
I left them. They haven’t budged. … Do you guys have any idea what’s happening?
YVES
You are American,
young woman, yes!
MAYA
Yes. And you are
obviously French, old man. So?
YVES
Do you come here
also to find about the Tantra?
MAYA
What Tantra?
MRS CHATTERJEE
Our man here wants
to practice underwater sex and I think he’s looking for a suitable partner. You
game?
YVES
Swami ji, is Tantra
really practiced only underwater as the madame says?
DROWNANANDA
Tantra is practiced
if you remain alive, you fool!
MAYA
What’s all this
nonsense about Tantra? I came here to find out about enlightenment from
Venerable Tenzin Norbu-la who, as they said at the monastery, is on holiday
here. Now I’m trying to figure whether to ask him about the water or about
enlightenment. Venerable Norbu-la?
NORBU-LA
Excuse me. Tashi
Delek. My greetings to all.
MAYA
Norbu-la, if I may
ask a personal question…
NORBU-LA
Excuse me, but yes,
certainly.
MAYA
What do you think the
Buddha would say about all this?
NORBU-LA
What would the
Buddha say about Tantra? Well, …
MAYA
No! What would he
say about the water?
NORBU-LA
Excuse me. Water?
Water is an element of life…
MAYA
No, no! You’re
getting me all wrong here, Norbu-la. I mean, this water! The water we’re in!
NORBU-LA
Excuse me. Oh, you
mean what he would say about this water?
The water here? I really don’t know, Maya. Maybe we should meditate and ask
him.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Maybe if you two got
enlightenment before the water came up to your noses, it would help. Then you
could tell us what the Buddha would
have said.
MR CHATTERJEE
Everyone’s talking
about the Buddha. But what about Marx? What about Lenin? What about Trotsky? What
about Chomsky? What about Tagore? What about me? … What about the neo-liberal late capitalist paradigm which is
destroying the earth?
MRS CHATTERJEE
I think the earth’s
pretty much under water already.
THE SOUND OF WATER
INTENSIFIES AT THIS.
MAYA
Uh-oh. The water’s
rising, isn’t it?
MRS CHATTERJEE
It’s almost up to
the window level now.
COLLECTIVE GASPS.
DROWNANANDA
We’re all going to
drown!
MRS CHATTERJEE
If we stay here to
carry on chatting, yes, for sure.
MAYA
Venerable Norbu-la,
do you happen to know of any levitation techniques we might employ here?
NORBU-LA
Excuse me. But how
about taking the stairs?
MRS CHATTERJEE
That’s the best levitation
technique I ever heard of. Do they teach it often in your monasteries,
Venerable Norbu-la?
NORBU-LA
Excuse me, but I
think everyone learns it pretty spontaneously, as now. I think I will show you
a demonstration!
SOUND OF NORBU-LA
RUSHING AWAY WITH HIS RECORDED CHANTS.
MAYA
Wait, Venerable
Norbu-la, I want to levitate too!
MR CHATTERJEE
Does that mean they
are taking the stairs?
YVES
I think it is a good
idea. I must try this ancient technique as well.
MRS CHATTERJEE
We’re on the top
floor of the hotel. There is only the roof left to go to.
DROWNANANDA
Let’s go there
quick, then, before we drown.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Why isn’t anybody
else here? Where are all the others? The manager? The staff? The other guests?
DROWNANANDA
There are no others!
They’ve all drowned! Now there’s only us left to drown!
(groaning)
I was happy as plain
Vicky Kapur. Why did I have to take the name of Swami Drownananda?
YVES
Swami ji, maybe a
few words on Tantra on the roof?
DROWNANANDA
Come then, you fool!
If you teach me how to swim, I’ll teach you almost anything.
SOUND OF THEM ALSO
RUSHING AWAY.
MR CHATTERJEE
Mrs Chatterjee?
MRS CHATTERJEE
Yes, Mr Chatterjee?
MR CHATTERJEE
We are at last alone
in our room.
MRS CHATTERJEE
So what do you
suggest, Mr Chatterjee?
MR CHATTERJEE HEMS
AND HAWS.
MR CHATTERJEE
Maybe a little…
MRS CHATTERJEE
Underwater love? The
water’s in over our heads, Mr Chatterjee! Look, it’s breaking in!
SOUND OF GLASS
CRASHING AND A WAVE OF WATER RUSHING IN.
MRS CHATTERJEE
Quick! Let’s escape
to the roof like the others!
MR CHATTERJEE
Oooh, Mrs
Chatterjee! Oooh, God save us, Mrs Chatterjee! Oh sorry, not God, I mean, Lord Marx
save us!
MRS CHATTERJEE
Come with me, you
fool! It’ll be enough if I can save you.
SOUND OF THEM
RUSHING OUT OF THE ROOM AND SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND THEM.
WE STAY WITH THE
SOUND OF WATER FOR A COUPLE OF BEATS BEFORE BREAKING FOR ACT II, WITH THE HOLY
CHANTS OF “OM MANI PADME OM”.
