In Hot Water


This is Act 1 of a radio play I wrote in April 2007 for the BBC International Radio Playwriting Competition.


List of Characters:

Mr Chatterjee, a Bengali Indian, recently husband

Mrs Chatterjee, another Bengali Indian, recently wife

Yves, a French tourist, interested in the mysteries of Tantric sex

Maya, a young American seeker, with the stars of enlightenment in her eyes

Tenzin Norbu-la, an elderly Buddhist monk

Swami Drown-ananda, a venerable Indian yogi in the nude

Scene: The action is set high in the Himalayas, on the last piece of land left before water from the melting poles has swallowed up the whole of the earth.
 

Act I

OPEN WITH GENTLE SOUNDS OF WATER AS IF OF WAVES LAPPING. THE SUBTLE SOUND OF WATER REMAINS IN THE BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT THE PLAY, ITS GENTLENESS TAKING ON A DIFFERENT QUALITY AS WE FULLY COMPREHEND THE SITUATION.

MR AND MRS CHATTERJEE ARE A NEWLY-MARRIED COUPLE ON THEIR HONEYMOON. THEY SPEAK IN AN ODDLY FORMAL WAY WITH EACH OTHER.

ALL CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY, EXCEPT MRS CHATTERJEE, HAVE EXAGGERATED ACCENTS, WHICH ARE PIQUANT WITHOUT BEING INCOMPREHENSIBLE. MRS CHATTERJEE SPEAKS IN A MORE SOPHISTICATED TONE.

MR CHATTERJEE
(in a heavy Bengali Indian accent)
Listen – are you listening?

MRS CHATTERJEE MOANS AND MUMBLES IN HER SLEEP.

MR CHATTERJEE
Listen, listen!

MRS CHATTERJEE
What, listen! Listen to what?

MR CHATTERJEE
Can’t you hear it? Water!

MRS CHATTERJEE
(still half-asleep)
I told you we should have gone to the sea for our honeymoon.

MR CHATTERJEE
(irritated)
But we did not come to the sea for our honeymoon, Mrs Chatterjee! We came to the mountain! To show you my love and affection for you, Mrs Chatterjee. Highest tourist point in the Himalayas!

SOUND OF MRS CHATTERJEE JERKING AWAKE AND SITTING UP IN HER BED.

MRS CHATTERJEE
(fully awake)
Then what is the sound of the sea doing here?

MR CHATTERJEE
Exactly! It is precisely what I was trying to tell you, Mrs Chatterjee. But you are not listening. Only a week our marriage is old, and already you are not listening to me! I will find out the Marxist theory of marriage to see what it says about it.

MRS CHATTERJEE
(dryly)
It has nothing to do with division of labour, I suppose. More like base and superstructure.

MR CHATTERJEE
You will not make fun of Ideology when the Red Tide is sweeping the earth, Mrs Chatterjee!

SOUND OF WATER INTENSIFIES AT THIS.

MRS CHATTERJEE
What tide is this high up in the mountains? Is your red tide sweeping the earth already?

MR CHATTERJEE
I am bringing you to the highest point in the Himalayas to make a point, Mrs Chatterjee.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Trust you to use our honeymoon to make points, Mr Chatterjee. Did you marry me to make points, make a home, make babies, or perhaps all three?

MR CHATTERJEE
(proudly)
I married you because my mother asked me to marry you! She personally selected you from a wide list of candidates!

MRS CHATTERJEE
I’m glad to hear it. Sounds like I cleared a critical job interview.

MR CHATTERJEE
Not to make fun of my mother, Mrs Chatterjee.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Must you keep calling me Chatterjee? I was quite happy as a Bannerjee.

MR CHATTERJEE
We are now man and wife, Mrs Chat…

MRS CHATTERJEE
(interrupting)
But what is this sound of water…

SHE, IN HER TURN, IS INTERRUPTED BY LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.

MR CHATTERJEE
(scared)
Who can that be?

MRS CHATTERJEE
You have to open to see, I think.

BANGING ON THE DOOR IS REPEATED.

MAYA
(in a heavy American accent)
Hi. Is anybody there! Wake up! We’re drowning! Wake up!

MR CHATTERJEE
(relieved)
It’s a woman.

MRS CHATTERJEE
(puzzled)
How can we be in a hotel high up in the highest mountains in the world, and be drowning? It doesn’t make sense.

THE BANGING IS REPEATED.

MAYA
Hello! Wake up, please! Anybody there?

MR CHATTERJEE
We are not here! I mean, we are not drowning.

MAYA
Well, you will soon! Look out of the window at what’s happening. You better come out soon. I’m checking all the rooms on this floor to see who else is there. The floors below are gone!

STEPS WALKING AWAY.

SOUND OF A CURTAIN BEING OPENED IN THE ROOM, FOLLOWED BY LOUD GASPS.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Water!

MR CHATTERJEE
Water, water! … Everywhere!

MRS CHATTERJEE
Look, I’m feeling a little light-headed here. Remind me: Did we come to the sea after all for our honeymoon?

MR CHATTERJEE
No, no. What you are saying? I insisted particularly that we come to mountain. But how there is water here? This is not the hotel’s swimming pool, no?

MRS CHATTERJEE
(scornfully)
All that water looks to you like the hotel’s swimming pool? You don’t even know how to swim, do you?

MR CHATTERJEE
How dare you to insult me, Mrs Chatterjee? What matters if I don’t know how to swim? I know how to read Marx, no? It is a very difficult labour.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Then, you go read him. I’m going out to see what’s happening.

FLURRY OF SHEETS BEING REMOVED AND SOUND OF CLOTHES BEING CHANGED.

MR CHATTERJEE
(sheepishly lascivious)
You have a fine figure, Mrs Chatterjee.




MRS CHATTERJEE
(amazed)
Water, water! Look at the water! What are you doing looking at my figure?

MR CHATTERJEE
(pathetically)
Seven days of marriage without any… any… enjoying, Mrs Chatterjee. Why you torment me like this? I am thinking that honeymoon meaning enjoying, Mrs Chatterjee! But you are not letting me do enjoyment. I am burning with your love, Mrs Chatterjee. So please not to mention water.

SOUND OF BANGING ON THE DOOR.

DROWNANANDA
Help! Help! We are drowning!

MRS CHATTERJEE
Who is that?

DROWNANANDA
I’m Swami Drownananda. The most celebrated swami of the East.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Then what are you doing drowning? You should be saving us, no, if you’re so great?

DROWNANANDA
Only my name is Drown-ananda. Which means my purpose in life is to drown in bliss, not in water! Please help! I don’t know swimming!

MR CHATTERJEE
You are to joining my club, sir! Welcome.

DROWNANANDA
Don’t welcome me! Do something!

SOUND OF ANOTHER PAIR OF STEPS HURRIEDLY COMING UP.

YVES
(in a heavy French accent)
You have not finished your lesson with me, Swami ji. I have come all this way to seek knowledge at your divine feet. Please teach me about Tantra and yoga.

DROWNANANDA
Do you know how to swim?

YVES
Yes, of course I know to swim, but why you talk about swimming when I talk about Tantra? Do you know the practice of swimming Tantra? Is it good? Look, I pay you double if you teach me more about Tantra and sexuality.

DROWNANANDA
What’s your name, Frenchman?

YVES
I am Yves.

DROWNANANDA
Look, you may be Adam or you may be Eve, but if you save me from this, I’ll pay you triple, plus your money back.

YVES
I do not comprehend. Save you from what, Swami ji?

MRS CHATTERJEE NOW OPENS THE DOOR OUTSIDE WHICH THIS CONVERSATION HAS BEEN HAPPENING.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Mister Eve obviously does not realise what is happening. Come into the room and I’ll show you.

YVES
(excited)
Oh Swami ji! You have a subject for me to experiment? But it is delightful! Delightful! I am ravished with your arrangements. Enchante, mademoiselle.

MR CHATTERJEE
(agitated)
Why that man is kissing your hand, Mrs Chatterjee?

MRS CHATTERJEE
I think he wants to practice underwater Tantra.

DROWNANANDA
This is no time for jokes. This room looks safe. I’ll camp myself here.

YVES
Yes. Camping is a good idea. You think meditation will help us with the evil spirits, Swami ji?

DROWNANANDA
(losing his cool)
Evil spirits? Have you seen the water, you Adam!

MRS CHATTERJEE
Look. Here.

A MOMENT OF SILENCE.

YVES
(under his breath, awe-struck)
Water!

THE OTHER THREE ALL SPEAK TOGETHER.

MR CHATTERJEE, MRS CHATTERJEE, DROWNANANDA
Yes, water!

YVES
(puzzled)
But what is the water doing here? This is the Himalayas, no?

GROANS OF EXASPERATION.

YVES
If I wanted to have a bath in the sea, I would have gone on the Cote d’Azur. Why I would come to the mountain to look at the sea? It has no sense, no?

DROWNANANDA
Why didn’t you go somewhere else and spare us the headache?

YVES
(continuing with his French indignation)
The tourist brochure clearly specified that this is the Himalayas. Am I in the right place? Am I being cheated? It is said that India is unpredictable. But I seriously do not expect to find the ocean on the mountain, no? I mean, it is a bit too much, no?



MR CHATTERJEE
The world is turning upside down. This is exactly what Marx said!

YVES
You are Indian, yes? Maybe you can explain this?

MR CHATTERJEE
How dare you label me a nationalist? I stand for equal distribution of resources around the world!

MRS CHATTERJEE
I’m glad we’re all part of this great intellectual debate at this time. But what do we do about the water?

THE RECORDED SOUNDS OF THE BUDDHIST CHANTS OF “OM MANI PADME OM” SUDDENLY WAFT INTO THE AIR. THEY DRAW CLOSER, AS A PAIR OF STEPS APPROACH. THE VOLUME LEVELS OF THE CHANTS ARE REDUCED AS NORBU-LA SPEAKS.

NORBU-LA
(in the typical clipped Buddhist accent)
Excuse me. Yes, people are here, as you said, dear Maya. We must find comfort in numbers. This is the power of the Sangha.

MAYA
Yeah, this is where I left them. They haven’t budged. … Do you guys have any idea what’s happening?

YVES
You are American, young woman, yes!

MAYA
Yes. And you are obviously French, old man. So?

YVES
Do you come here also to find about the Tantra?

MAYA
What Tantra?

MRS CHATTERJEE
Our man here wants to practice underwater sex and I think he’s looking for a suitable partner. You game?


YVES
Swami ji, is Tantra really practiced only underwater as the madame says?

DROWNANANDA
Tantra is practiced if you remain alive, you fool!

MAYA
What’s all this nonsense about Tantra? I came here to find out about enlightenment from Venerable Tenzin Norbu-la who, as they said at the monastery, is on holiday here. Now I’m trying to figure whether to ask him about the water or about enlightenment. Venerable Norbu-la?

NORBU-LA
Excuse me. Tashi Delek. My greetings to all.

MAYA
Norbu-la, if I may ask a personal question…

NORBU-LA
Excuse me, but yes, certainly.

MAYA
What do you think the Buddha would say about all this?

NORBU-LA
What would the Buddha say about Tantra? Well, …

MAYA
No! What would he say about the water?

NORBU-LA
Excuse me. Water? Water is an element of life…

MAYA
No, no! You’re getting me all wrong here, Norbu-la. I mean, this water! The water we’re in!

NORBU-LA
Excuse me. Oh, you mean what he would say about this water? The water here? I really don’t know, Maya. Maybe we should meditate and ask him.




MRS CHATTERJEE
Maybe if you two got enlightenment before the water came up to your noses, it would help. Then you could tell us what the Buddha would have said.

MR CHATTERJEE
Everyone’s talking about the Buddha. But what about Marx? What about Lenin? What about Trotsky? What about Chomsky? What about Tagore? What about me? … What about the neo-liberal late capitalist paradigm which is destroying the earth?

MRS CHATTERJEE
I think the earth’s pretty much under water already.

THE SOUND OF WATER INTENSIFIES AT THIS.

MAYA
Uh-oh. The water’s rising, isn’t it?

MRS CHATTERJEE
It’s almost up to the window level now.

COLLECTIVE GASPS.

DROWNANANDA
We’re all going to drown!

MRS CHATTERJEE
If we stay here to carry on chatting, yes, for sure.

MAYA
Venerable Norbu-la, do you happen to know of any levitation techniques we might employ here?

NORBU-LA
Excuse me. But how about taking the stairs?

MRS CHATTERJEE
That’s the best levitation technique I ever heard of. Do they teach it often in your monasteries, Venerable Norbu-la?

NORBU-LA
Excuse me, but I think everyone learns it pretty spontaneously, as now. I think I will show you a demonstration!

SOUND OF NORBU-LA RUSHING AWAY WITH HIS RECORDED CHANTS.

MAYA
Wait, Venerable Norbu-la, I want to levitate too!

MR CHATTERJEE
Does that mean they are taking the stairs?

YVES
I think it is a good idea. I must try this ancient technique as well.

MRS CHATTERJEE
We’re on the top floor of the hotel. There is only the roof left to go to.

DROWNANANDA
Let’s go there quick, then, before we drown.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Why isn’t anybody else here? Where are all the others? The manager? The staff? The other guests?

DROWNANANDA
There are no others! They’ve all drowned! Now there’s only us left to drown!
(groaning)
I was happy as plain Vicky Kapur. Why did I have to take the name of Swami Drownananda?

YVES
Swami ji, maybe a few words on Tantra on the roof?

DROWNANANDA
Come then, you fool! If you teach me how to swim, I’ll teach you almost anything.

SOUND OF THEM ALSO RUSHING AWAY.

MR CHATTERJEE
Mrs Chatterjee?

MRS CHATTERJEE
Yes, Mr Chatterjee?


MR CHATTERJEE
We are at last alone in our room.

MRS CHATTERJEE
So what do you suggest, Mr Chatterjee?

MR CHATTERJEE HEMS AND HAWS.

MR CHATTERJEE
Maybe a little…

MRS CHATTERJEE
Underwater love? The water’s in over our heads, Mr Chatterjee! Look, it’s breaking in!

SOUND OF GLASS CRASHING AND A WAVE OF WATER RUSHING IN.

MRS CHATTERJEE
Quick! Let’s escape to the roof like the others!

MR CHATTERJEE
Oooh, Mrs Chatterjee! Oooh, God save us, Mrs Chatterjee! Oh sorry, not God, I mean, Lord Marx save us!

MRS CHATTERJEE
Come with me, you fool! It’ll be enough if I can save you.

SOUND OF THEM RUSHING OUT OF THE ROOM AND SLAMMING THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND THEM.

WE STAY WITH THE SOUND OF WATER FOR A COUPLE OF BEATS BEFORE BREAKING FOR ACT II, WITH THE HOLY CHANTS OF “OM MANI PADME OM”.